


Flowers For You

by Liza_Taylor



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Major Illness, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Sad Sylvain Jose Gautier, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26125822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liza_Taylor/pseuds/Liza_Taylor
Summary: Returning to the monastery after five years, Bernadetta is excited to see Sylvain in person again. At least until she discovers, much to her horror, that he's been suffering from hanahaki for the last five years.
Relationships: Sylvain Jose Gautier & Bernadetta von Varley, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Bernadetta von Varley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Surprisingly, despite my years of writing fanfiction, this marks the first time I've ever written a hanahaki fic. It also ended up way longer than I expected, totally thought it was going to be a one-shot but Sylvain decided to keep on angsting, haha.

Everything looked the same as five years ago.

Bernadetta stood in the doorway of her room and stared. Sure there was a layer of dust on everything and her plants were dead but the few stuffed animals she had left behind were still on the shelves, although one of her bears were knocked over. She walked over and set him upright after shaking off the dust. She didn’t think she would ever be back here but here she was, ready to fight in a war with the Professor.

No pressure right?

Gulping, Bernadetta opened the window to let some light and air in. She knew she had to clean but she really wanted to see someone right now, someone she knew very well that she had spotted in the crowd returning to Garreg Mach. They had sent a few letters back and forth over the years but it wasn’t the same as seeing each other in person.

Would he want to see her though? 

No, she couldn’t think like that. If he didn’t care then he wouldn’t have bothered sending her messages as often as he did.

After taking a deep breath to help calm her nerves, she left her room and headed upstairs, dodging and weaving around the members of the Church working to clean up and get the monastery back in order. She spotted a few of her friends from the academy days and she gave them a wave and a soft hello but did not stop until she reached Sylvain Gautier’s door.

The first thing she noticed was that it was slightly ajar, and she could hear movement inside. As she went to knock, she heard a loud groan and the sound of retching. Eyes widen, Bernadetta quickly opened the door, worry pulsing through her. Was Sylvain alright?

The sight though stopped her short. Sylvain was on his hands and knees, his body convulsing as he threw up. However instead of bile or vomit, flowers were pouring out of him. Daisies, forget-me-nots, and asters, Bernadetta recognized at a glance. 

He rubbed his mouth as the last flower left his mouth and he looked at the pile and grimanced. Bernadetta took a cautious step back and the floor board under her foot creaked. His head snapped to her direction and his eyes widen, his expression a mixture of surprise, horror and weirdly enough, fear.

“Bernie…” He cleared his throat, looked down at the pile of flowers and then at her. “Let me, uh, clean this up.”

“Do you need help?” She glanced over at his desk. She had been in his room often enough during their academy days to know he kept a dustbin under it.

“No, I got it. You can relax.” Sylvain gestured to his bed.

Not knowing what else to do since Sylvain declined her help, she kicked off her shoes and crawled onto his bed to watch him.

Despite looking a little pale, Sylvain efficiently picked up all the flowers and tossed them into a garbage bag. “The one good thing I guess is that the flowers are sterile so I don’t need to bother wiping down the floor, small miracles I guess,” he said with a slight shrug and a ghost of his usual sheepish grin.

“Uh yeah,” she stammered. She pulled her knees up to her chest as she watched him put the trashbag by the door. Sylvain didn’t look too different from five years ago, his back seemed much broader, and he was definitely more muscular. He also obviously styled his hair differently and besides the slight exhaustion in his eyes that probably came from throwing up flowers, there was something else there, something a bit more haunted. Seeing the result of the war probably did that, especially when he wasn’t hiding out at home like Bernadetta did.

“What? Is there something on my face?”

Bernadetta startled, realizing Sylvain had turned around and saw her staring at him. She shook her head and dropped her eyes to the blanket on his bed and began tracing lazy circles on it. “No, I was just thinking about how different you look since we last saw each other, that’s all.”

“Well, it’s been five years after all. But look at you Bernie! Your hair is so cute now!” He sat on the bed in front of her and ran a few strands of her hair through his fingers. “It’s so silky!”

“Uh yeah, my mom got me this new hair oil and it has helped tame my hair.”

Sylvain leaned forward and sniffed. “Oh it smells nice too.”

Bernadetta ducked her head, not sure how to take that compliment.

“You’re still not good with them huh?” Sylvain released her hair and sat back on his bed.

“Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Silence descended over them, the only sounds coming from the hallway where people were busy cleaning and the clock ticking on Sylvain’s desk.

“The flowers…” began Bernadetta, glancing at the trashbag by the door. “You have hanahaki?”

“You know what that is?” Sylvain looked at her in surprise. “Wait, what am I saying, of course you would know what that is, you’re super smart after all, especially stuff that involves flowers.”

“I don’t know that much about it,” she stammered. “I read it in passing a few times in a few books. It is where flowers bloom in the organs which leads to the victim throwing up flowers in a sense.”

“Is that all you know?” he asked softly.

Bernadetta looked down at her hands. “Well, I also know that it’s caused by unrequited love.”

“So you know the gist of it really.”

She looked up at him in wide eyed surprise.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He rested his hand on the back of his neck, a slight tinge of red crossing his neck.

How in the world could she say it without making it sound offensive? She never pictured Sylvain being the kind of person to have unrequited feelings for anyone. He was the type to say his feelings and express himself without hesitation. Heck, he was willing to make a fool of himself to make Bernadetta feel comfortable in awkward social situations.

“How long have you had it?” she asked finally. He never mentioned this in any of the letters he sent to her!

Sylvain thought for a moment. “I would say close to five years at this point.”

“Five!?” she squeaked. What kind of friend was she that she didn’t notice that Sylvain was suffering like this!?

As if sensing her thoughts, Sylvain reached out and gently took her hands in his, his thumbs gently stroking her knuckles. “It’s okay Bernie, I was hiding it from you so you can’t blame yourself. It wasn’t even that bad back then, just a few petals here and there.”

“But…”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me. Besides, there have been cases of hanahaki going away on its own so I didn’t want to bring it up and then it turn out to be nothing.”

Sure Sylvain’s logic made sense but that didn’t account for the fact he had it for hidden it from her for five years! Although what could she do about it anyway besides worry about him? “So who is it anyway?” she asked softly.

“It’s probably best I don’t tell you,” Sylvain said quickly, pulling his hands back.

“Huh? How come?” Bernadetta’s eyes widen. “I…I won’t tell anyone.” Maybe it was too much to ask such a thing. It was for her own curiosity after all.

“I don’t want…” He coughed and cleared his throat. “I don’t want your relationship to her change because of me. It’s not her fault that this happened.”

“Our relationship…” Bernadetta’s eyes widen. “Is it someone I know?” The only mutual people they knew were from the academy. She thought of the girls from the academy, trying to think of who it could be. He did have a few flings with Dorothea but they seemed to be casual friends at most. Ingrid maybe since they were childhood friends? Perhaps Marianne? Bernadetta had spotted them chatting a few times down by the stables. Oh wait, maybe it was Byleth? The Professor was pretty and she was able to keep Sylvain in his place when he stepped out of line.

“Something like that,” he murmured. He coughed again, his face bright red as he looked at the wall behind her.

Bernadetta blinked slowly as she stared at him. “You really love her don’t you,” she whispered softly.

“She’s really special I would admit,” Sylvain replied with a slight pained chuckle.

Bernadetta’s brow furrowed. She had to be someone very important for him that he would suffer having hanahaki for close to five years. “Have you thought of having the surgery?”

“Well my doctor has asked me about it-I’m taking medication to help alleviate the symptoms somewhat but I don’t want to do it.” He gave her a pained smile. “If I had the surgery then I would lose my feelings for her.”

Bernadetta bit her lip, knowing that it wasn’t her place to protest against Sylvain’s decision but she couldn’t help but ask, “But won’t it kill you?” she whispered. She had read stories about hanahaki getting so bad that the person died from suffocation or their organs burst or other horrible things that she didn’t want to think about having to Sylvain.

Sylvain gave Bernadetta a hug, his head resting on top of hers, his hand rubbing lazy circles on her back. “I’ll be fine, the medication helps a lot and apparently my case isn’t bad enough that it’ll kill me. It’s just an inconvenience for the most part, coughing up flowers and all.”

“Does it hurt?” she whispered. Her head rested against his chest and despite it being so long since they last hugged, she already could feel a difference. It wasn’t just in the way he was bigger and more muscular than before, with her ear against his chest, it sounded different, there was a slight rattling that wasn’t there before, his breathing much heavier and labored.

“Well, it’s not pleasant coughing up flowers but other than that I’m fine.”

She looked up at him. “Are you lying to me?”

“Of course not. I could never lie to you Bernie.” He gave her his signature grin and ruffled her hair before sighing and taking in his room. “Should probably dust off my room, I think the Professor wants to have a quick strategy meeting after dinner.”

“Oh, right.” Bernadetta quickly got off his bed. “I should probably get back to my room as well, I still have a lot of cleaning to do.”

“Yeah, we better both get to work then, I’m sure the Professor will send us on stable duty or something if our rooms are not in order.”

Bernadetta had to crack a small smile at that. “I think she will.”

***

Sylvain’s smile dropped as Bernie left his room, closing the door tight behind her. He let his shoulders drop and pain pinch his expression. His throat was still raw from coughing up the flowers, the tension in his chest stronger than it usually was. Recently it felt like there was always a weight pressing down on him, the doctor telling him that the hanahaki was getting worse and Sylvain should really consider having the surgery. Yes he may not die, but his quality of life was reducing greatly.

He looked down at his hands with a soft smile. There was no way he could do that though. Getting the surgery meant losing the feelings he had for her, for Bernie. Five years ago when he met her, she was in no place for romance, her trauma too recent and fresh. It had taken him a while to get her to open up to him about her writing and then their relationship had bloomed from there.

She was funny, knowledgeable and caring and most importantly, she saw him for the person he was behind the playboy persona he had put on. He didn’t want to lose these feelings he held onto for so long, he didn’t want to pull away from Bernie when he knew he wanted to be there for her.

It was for that reason he knew he could never tell her about his feelings, especially now that she knew he had hanahaki. She would blame herself, she would pile on all the guilt and self-loathing despite the fact it wasn’t her fault that he fell in love with her. Due to that, he had hid it for as long as he had and now she thought he was in love with someone they knew.

He didn’t know if that was good or bad thing. “Damn it,” he whispered, running his fingers through his hair. To top off everything, they were now going to war as well.

After another minute, he got off his bed and opened one of his suitcases and took out the pouch with the vials of medicine. He technically hadn’t been lying to Bernie about it slowing down the symptoms, however it only delayed the inevitable of him throwing up flowers. He was definitely going to need to buy more.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that Bernadetta knew, she could see how the hanahaki affected everything he did. Whenever he did training practice in the yard, he got tired quickly but hid it well. He would excuse himself at various times, making excuses about seeing ladies but Bernadetta had caught him throwing up flowers in the back area of the monastery where no one could see him. It was their little secret, Bernadetta now going out of her way to make excuses for him or help him hide evidence of the flowers.

Watching him suffer like this, she felt more and more hatred to the girl Sylvian liked. Sure, a part of her understood it wasn’t the girl’s fault, Sylvain had admitted he never told the girl how he felt about her but seeing him suffer like this hurt her. A few times she had begged him to think about getting the surgery or confessing to the girl. At least then he could begin to move on and heal from the hanahaki on his own.

Sylvain refused both suggestions though and reminded her it was his choice in the end. She knew that but how could she just stand by and see him suffer like this?

The worry for him got worse as the Professor explained their latest plan, a scrimmage that would last multiple days, the goal being to disrupt Edelgard’s coveys and cut her off from some of the supplies. It would be a grueling time with barely any time to rest or eat but it was vital for them to weaken the Adestrian Empire in any way they could.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” whispered Bernadetta to Sylvian when the meeting was done and she followed him back to his room. Anyone else but her would cause people to turn heads but Bernadetta was known to be a close friend for Sylvain, the only female friend he had that he allowed to be in his room that he didn’t sleep with.

“I’ll be fine, I definitely have enough.” Sylvain opened a small pouch and put a few bottles of his medication in it. “If I keep taking it at the same time every day or as close as possible then I can hold off throwing up flowers until we’re done with the mission.”

“Are you sure that’s safe though?” Bernadetta had noticed Sylvain threw up flowers at least once every other day. To go from that to not at all for over a week, what would that do to his internal system?

“Everything will be okay Bernie.” Sylvain put down the pouch, walked over to her and gave her a hug, his hand protectively against the back of her head as she rested her head against his chest. The rattle she heard in his chest was so familiar now and she hated how she had gotten used to it. “I’ve done it before and it was fine, this is similar. Besides, the Professor is counting on me and I can’t let her down right, I mean look at those boobs.”

“Sylvain!” She looked up at him with a pout.

“What! They’re right there, of course I’m going to stare.”

Bernadetta sighed and pulled away. She couldn’t believe him. Wait, no she could, this was totally on brand for him. “I’m going to pack then and get some rest since we’re leaving in the morning.”

“Yeah.” He rested his hand on the back of his neck and stared at her with a soft expression.

“What?” She adjusted her hair, was it messed up from him touching it?

“Nothing, I’ll see you bright and early Bernie.”

***

The mission ended up lasting a week and a half. Bernadetta was exhausted, barely able to keep her eyes open as everyone crawled their way back to the monastery. Despite the exhaustion that everyone probably felt, an excitement ran through everyone as well. They had completed their mission without any hiccups, the Adestrian Empire now weakened.

Instead of returning to their rooms, it was decided they would have a large feast in the dining hall, no expenses spared. Even Bernadetta was caught up in the crowd and cheer and she followed everyone to the dining hall and enjoyed the party from the corner of the room where she could watch everyone and revel in the atmosphere without actually being in the middle of it.

“There you are Bernie,” Ingrid walked over with a plate of food. “Can you do me a favor and give this to Sylvain?”

Bernadetta looked around in surprise. “He’s not here?”

“No, apparently he wanted to go back to his room early to sleep.” Ingrid rolled her eyes. “I know, surprising right? I thought he would be out here flirting with everyone. But he told me to make him a plate of food and save it for him, but I would rather him eat it before it gets cold, I know it’s a big favor since we’re celebrating-”

“It’s fine, I’ll bring it to him, I wanted to step out anyway, it’s a bit loud in here.” Bernadetta took the tray of food and gave Ingrid a sheepish smile.

“Thanks Bernie, I owe you one.”

Bernadetta would have waved goodbye but her hands were full and she was way too clumsy that she probably couldn’t hold the tray with one hand and wave with the other without risking dropping it.

Since everyone was in the dining hall, the walk back to the dormitory was a quiet affair, the full moon shining overhead, lighting the pathways. She never realized how peaceful it could be walking around the monastery with no one around. Perhaps if she had discovered this five years ago, she would have left her room more often at night.

Reaching Sylvain’s room, she put the tray against the wall with one hand on it to keep it steady, her knee under it and used her other hand to knock on his door. “Sylvain, I brought food. Sorry to wake you if you’re sleeping.”

No response. Maybe he was asleep. She grasped the doorknob and was surprised when it turned and opened. Sylvain always kept his door locked when he wasn’t expecting anyone and especially when he was sleeping.

Maybe he was just so tired he forgot to do so?

“I’m coming in Sylvain,” she said softly as she cracked open the door. “Just going to drop off food so sorry for waking you…”

A gasp escaped her as she entered the room and it took everything to not drop the tray of food and run to his side.

Sylvain was lying in a small pile of of flowers. The same types as before but there were so many, way more than he ever threw up at one time. Sylvain heaved again and more flowers spewed out of his mouth. The air was sickly sweet and Bernadetta was taken back by how fragrant it was. 

Snapping to, she kicked the door shut behind her and dropped the tray of food on his desk before hurrying to his side, not caring about all the flowers she kicked up in her wake as she kneeled next to him, an arm around his shoulder as she helped him so he was sitting up.

“Sylvian, what’s happening, what’s wrong?”

He glanced at her, his eyes glazed over slightly. He then turned as he heaved up more flowers. After the daisies were added to the pile, he whispered, his voice hoarse. “Bernie…what…why are you here?”

“Ingrid made a tray of food for you and she asked me if I would bring it to you so I did.”

“Oh.” He shuddered and Bernadetta was sure he was going to throw up more flowers but thankfully that didn’t happen. Instead he leaned against her, his breathing so rattled and shaky.

“What happened with the flowers? I thought your medicine helped with this?” How could someone release so many flowers and still be alive and moving?

Ever since finding out about Sylvain having it, she had also been reading any books she could get her hand on regarding the subject. There were a lot of unknowns with it, like the root cause or how it “infects” a person but one of the hypothesis’s that kept coming up was every time a flower was expelled, it took away a part of the individual’s lifeforce.

“It just delays the symptoms, that’s all.” Sylvain’s voice was so raspy and grating, not like the soft, gentle voice she was used to. “Delay doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.”

Bernadetta felt a lump in her throat as she regarded the pile of flowers. “It all happens at once then doesn’t it?”

“It’s okay, I’m fine Bernie.” He reached up and gently wiped a tear from her eye with a shaky knuckle. “You don’t need to cry Bernie, I’m okay.”

Sylvain was anything but okay, even she could see that! However pointing that out to him now was probably not a good idea. He just looked so tired and worn out. She shook her head and forced herself to put on a small smile, just for him. “Here, let’s get you into bed, you can have dinner while I clean up the flowers.”

“Bernie, you don’t have to…”

Bernadetta ignored his protests and Sylvain was so exhausted he didn’t have the energy to fight her as she got him into his bed. After making sure his pillows were fluffed up enough to prop up his back, she got the tray of food from his desk and brought it over to him along with one of the waterskins Sylvain kept in his room. Thankfully Ingrid had went with lighter foods like small sandwiches and cut fruits. He probably wouldn’t be able to handle rich foods after he threw up flowers.

In the back of her mind she wondered if Ingrid knew about Sylvain’s hanahaki and purposefully chose foods that he would be able to handle.

“You really don’t need to clean up the flowers,” protested Sylvain.

“It’s fine,” replied Bernadetta, not looking at him as she put the flowers into a trash bag, the cloying sweet scent so strong that she opened the window to air out the room a bit. By the time Sylvain was done eating, she had finished tidying up the flowers and she left the bag by the door to throw on her way out.

She took the tray from him and rested it on the desk before going back to make sure he was comfortable in his bed. He looked more alert than earlier but his eyes were still a bit glazed over and his hands were shaky as he pulled up the covers.

“I’ll leave you to getting some sleep,” she said softly, noticing that he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

As she turned to walk away, she heard him whisper, “Don’t go Bernie…”

She froze and turned back to him.

Sylvain had his head on his pillow, facing her, one of his hands out of the covers as he reached for her, his fingers limp like it took everything he had to control his arm. “Please Bernie…stay,” he whispered.

“Stay?” she squeaked. How in the world did he mean that? Stay in his room? Sure she could sleep on the floor, she was so exhausted that it probably wouldn’t matter but this was Sylvain’s room!

“I don’t want you to go, please…” He shifted back slightly on his bed and she realized what he was asking of her. “Just sleep next to me…please.”

Sleep next to him? It had to be his exhaustion and delirium talking, there was no way Sylvain would ever suggest something like that, he was good with keeping up the boundaries in between them. However he was so vulnerable and weak right now and she had a small fear that if she left him, he would be dead in the morning, the flowers he threw up taking away all his life force.

To make sure he was safe, she needed to stay with him, or at least that’s how she justified it to herself as she kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bed, her on top of the covers. She startled as Sylvain turned so he was leaning against her, his arm around her shoulders, his body almost immediately falling limp as sleep took him.

“You probably were so tired weren’t you?” She reached over and gently pushed his hair out of his face. At least in sleep his face was relaxed, nothing like the exhaustion from earlier. Despite all of their physical affection, there was something different about watching Sylvain sleep, his arm around her. She could feel her face heating up, her heart pounding in her ears.

If it wasn’t for his slightly rattled breath, she might even think of this as romantic.

She coughed and shook her head, the thought so weird and out of place in her head. What was wrong with her? Maybe it was just the awkwardness of situation that was making her mind go in weird directions.

She froze, as Sylvain stirred slightly but thankfully he didn’t wake.

“Sorry,” she whispered softly before closing her eyes and hoping sleep would take her soon.

***

Over the past five years, Sylvain got used to feeling a weight on his chest. His doctor said it was caused by the flowers growing within him and it was something he would need to get used to since he refused to get the surgery. This was the first time he woke up where the weight on his chest felt weird, it was heavier, yet not at the same time. The weight was outside of him, not within his chest.

He jumped slightly in place as he looked down and saw Bernie curled next to him, on top of the covers, her head rested on his chest. At first his mind went into a panic. Nothing happened last night right? After thinking it over, he remembered in his exhausted and delirious state, he asked Bernie to stay with him the night. He bit back a groan. Why in the world did he do that!? And why did Ingrid have to ask Bernie to bring him food?

Although as he looked down at her, he couldn’t help but slowly lift a hand and rest it cautiously on the back of her head. She stirred and did not awaken and Sylvain gently ran his fingers through her hair. Way silkier than five years ago and for a moment he let his imagination go and think of this like a morning if they were together, falling asleep in the same bed and Sylvain being the first to wake up in the morning.

An impossible dream and yet he could feel the tightness in his chest alleviate for at least a moment as he indulged the daydream.

He noticed Bernie’s eyelashes flicker as she opened her eyes and seemed to be confused for a moment to where she was.

Sylvain pulled his hand away from her head and gave her his sheepish grin. “Morning Bernie.”

Understanding dawned on her and she jerked upright, her face bright red. “I’m sorry!” She patted Sylvain’s chest as if trying to remove her presence on him and then seeming to realize she was touching him, she set her hands in her lap and looked everywhere but at him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s alright, really Bernie. If anything it’s my fault, I remember asking you to stay here with me.” He sat up.

“Should you really be getting up?” Bernie looked him over wide-eyed her hands hovering towards him, obviously ready to help him if needed. “Are you feeling okay after last night?”

“I feel fine, better than ever actually.” He grinned and rolled his shoulder to prove the point. “I think you need to sleep on me more often, I feel so much more energetic than usual.” He bounced slightly in place to prove his point. It wasn’t like he was lying to her either. For the first time in a while he felt more like his old self, before he developed hanahaki.

“I mean, if you want…I could sleep in here if it helps you..”

Sylvain froze. Bernie stared down at her hands, her face, shoulders and chest bright red. “I mean if it helps. You are really looking better than he did before and if it helps…”

“I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do,” he said softly.

She shook her head. “You aren’t forcing me, I want to do it Sylvain. Please…”

Sylvain knew he should say no. Having her this close, especially every night would be painful, especially with his feelings regarding her. However it was like his mouth had a will of its own as it curled into a smile and he replied, “Sure Bernie.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Sylvain, are we going to bed soon?”

Sylvain broke out of his thoughts and glanced over at Bernie. Since she now slept in his room at night instead of her own, she stored a few pairs of clothes in his room. If it was anyone but Bernie, Sylvain knew rumors would be churning through the monastery grounds but they were such a common sight together that no one batted an eye.

“So how did your doctor’s appointment today go?” she asked as Sylvain turned around to face his wall as Bernie changed in to her nightgown.

“It…it went fine,” said Sylvain. He put a hand over his heart as he thought of the appointment from earlier today.

***

_“So, I assume you were able to confess your feelings?”_

_“Wait what?” Sylvain stared at the doctor in confusion._

_The doctor had a hand over Sylvain’s chest, the magical sigils floating around the hand as magic was used to check the growth of the flowers in Sylvain’s chest. It had felt odd when the doctor started doing it five years ago, but Sylvain had gotten used to the warmth._

_“Your hanahaki is smaller than it was previously. This usually indicates that recipient has accepted your feelings.” He raised an eyebrow._

_“It’s nothing like that,” mumbled Sylvain, the hints of a blush rising to his face. He hated how whenever he thought about Bernie, it was easy for him to blush. He could say raunchy things all the time to other girls without batting an eye but Bernie just glancing at him turned his face red._

_“Then what it is? You are giving up your feelings to her?”_

_“Nothing like that! We just sleep together, that’s all.”_

_“Sleep…”_

_“As in actually sleep,” Sylvain added quickly, realizing where the doctor’s mind was going. “We sleep in the same bed, if she sleeps next to me with her head on my chest, it helps me sleep better and my chest doesn’t hurt as much.” He just thought it was a temporary relief, not that the flowers in his chest were shrinking in size. Although now that he thought about it, he hadn’t been throwing up flowers as often as before either. He dismissed it as being a phase, as there had been a few times over the years where the symptoms subsided on their own for a bit but then they came back at full force._

_The doctor tilted his head slightly and looked at Sylvain thoughtfully. “Interesting.”_

_“What is?”_

_The doctor indicated for Sylvain to put his clothes back on. “There is a subset of individuals with hanahaki who recover because they are personally able to accept the possibility that the person of their affection might actually care for them, or maybe even be able to entertain the idea.”_

_Sylvain stared at him in disbelief. “Wait, are you saying because I think Bernie could actually care about me, it’s making my hanahaki subside?”_

_“The mind is a powerful thing. However, this can only do so much on its own. I would advise you to actually confess your feelings if you feel comfortable doing so or even accepting to have the surgery. You are young now but your body is deteriorating slowly from having the disease for so long.”_

_“But….”_

_“I know what you are going to say but think it over Sylvain. From what you told me about her, Bernie is strong of mind. She will be able to handle it.” His expression softened. “Would you be okay with giving yourself a chance at happiness though?”_

***

“Better than fine,” he admitted. “Apparently the hanahaki has reduced slightly.”

“Really!?” Bernie’s voice ended in a high squeak, a sign of excitement coming from her.

Sylvain smiled at the wall, he knew she probably had an excited smile on her face from the good news. He loved seeing that smile on her. It was rare back in the academy days and now she was doing it more and more often.

Hearing his bed creak, he glanced over to see Bernie sit down. She was clad in one of her long modest nightgowns, this one embroidered with cartoon lions. He really wondered where she got them. All of them were so cute and so like her.

“Did the doctor say why?” asked Bernie. “I mean, from what I read, it doesn’t really go away on its own.”

“Well maybe mine is a new type of hanahaki that can be cured by Bernie sleeping on my chest.”

“Sylvain, come on now!”

He grinned as he settled into bed, Bernie snuggling next to him under the covers, her head using his chest as a makeshift pillow. Already he could feel the rattling in his chest subside as Bernie’s weight pressed down on him.

“Maybe you’re getting over the girl you’re in love with?” She glanced up at him and then blushed, her mind seemingly catch up with what she said and she dropped her eyes downwards. “S…sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I was just thinking of possible reasons to why you would start to feel better and I thought maybe it was because the girl you liked is now in a relationship so you would finally be able to move on-oh Bernie, why do you have to be so dumb and keeping talking, you totally made it worse!”

“It’s okay Bernie, really.” Sylvian rested a hand on the back of her head and gently ran his fingers through her hair. “Maybe I am getting over her.”

“I’m happy for you Sylvain.”

Sylvain paused in running his fingers through her hair.

Bernie shivered and looked up at him again. “I didn’t mean-I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I meant like, she obviously doesn’t care for you in that way and you’ve held out so long for her.” She ducked her head again. I’m just happy you’re finally able to take the first step to move on.”

“Yeah, maybe I am,” he said softly. “Anyway, we should probably get some sleep, we have a busy day tomorrow.”

“Right.”

Despite him stating that they should sleep, Sylvian’s mind was whirling too fast to do so. He looked down at Bernie, fast asleep on his chest, her face lit up by only the bit of the moonlight that made its way through his window. He thought back to what his doctor said. Was he really just scared to be happy? Perhaps he was, everything in his life seemed to go wrong after all, everything else but her.

Could he even entertain the idea that she liked him in that way? What kind of friend would chose to sleep in the same bed as him every night just to keep his hanahaki at bay?

Bernie would.

What kind of friend would listen to someone like him, to actually listen to him and care and understand him in a way that no one else did?

Bernie would.

She was a friend, nothing more. A close friend that he never wanted to lose.

He felt a twinge in his heart as he looked down at her sleeping form. He wanted something more. That much he could admit to himself. He wanted to wake up every morning with her by his side, he wanted to be able to go on dates once the war was over and hold her hand the whole time.

He wanted to kiss her.

He wanted to kiss her and shower her with all of the affection she had given him and then some. He was the type that only had sex to make himself feel something, he wanted to have sex with her to make her feel happy.

Maybe his doctor was right, it was his own cowardice that prevented him from even taking the next step, he was just content with these brief moments where he could pretend that they were something more. 

It was better this way, wasn’t it? 

***

Sylvain was definitely was looking better since Bernadetta started sleeping next to him. She could see it in the way he acted, he had more pep in his step than before, his mood a lot brighter. During the nights, as she laid her head on his chest, she could hear it in the way his chest rattled less with each intake of breath.

It was perhaps incredibly selfish of her but she was glad he was finally getting over this mysterious girl. Sylvain deserved to move on, he deserved to find someone that could make him happy in a way that this girl couldn’t.

Of course it was too much to expect that he would look at someone like her. Bernadetta might not be good at social interaction but she knew herself and it wasn’t lost to her how much she really cared for Sylvain. It was more than just a close friend, she wanted to be there for him, to care and perhaps even love him in a way she hadn’t before. She couldn’t though. Not when he was still having feelings for another, it would be cruel to try and set her feelings on him when he was suffering from hanahaki due to his unrequited feelings.

Besides compared to Sylvain, she was just a sad, anxious girl with nothing really else going for her. He might like her as a friend but something more than that? Of course not.

So she kept her feelings close like she had always done, staying by Sylvain’s side and being the girl who loved writing that he knew so well. By the time the war came to an end, Sylvain’s hanahaki symptoms had went into full remission. However, according to his doctor, there was a chance of it coming back if he wasn’t careful.

Did that mean that Sylvain still harbored some lingering feelings for this girl even now?

“Do you need help packing Bernie?”

Bernie squeaked and turned around to see Sylvain leaning against the doorframe of her dorm room. Since the war was over, everyone was packing up to go home, the goal now to make sense of their lives in this new world forged by the professor. Honestly, she wasn’t really looking forward to it, despite being a war hero now, she doubted that would sway her father in any way. He probably would want to just work on marrying her off so he wouldn’t need to look at her anymore.

“Sorry for scaring you.” Sylvain walked over and gave her one of his signature tight hugs, his head resting on top of hers.

“It’s okay, I was just lost in thought,” she stammered.

“What were you thinking about?”

Bernadetta hesitated. How could she tell him that she had been thinking about them as possibly a couple? “About how we won’t see each other soon,” she stammered out, hating how her voice rose at the end. She was seriously a terrible liar, especially with him.

“What do you mean we won’t see each other?” Sylvain looked down at her with a frown.

“Well, because you’re going to be super busy since you’re going to take over as the head of the Gauiter family and I’m…” She knew that technically she would be taking over House Varley but would her dad even allow her to do that?

“Hey now, even when I’m busy I’m totally going to come visit you. That’s going to happen no matter what. You’ll get sick of me of how often I’ll visit you so look forward to it!”

“Okay,” she said softly.

After a moment of silence, Sylvain asked softly. “That’s not the reason you’re upset is it?”

“I’m not upset.”

“Your voice gets higher when you’re lying.”

Damn her voice, betraying her like this. A couple moments of silence passed before Sylvain released her, took her hand and led her to her bed. After taking a moment to kick off his shoes, he sat down and gestured for Bernadetta to sit down next to him.

Quietly, she did so and he put an arm around her and rested his head on top of hers. “You can tell me anything Bernie. I don’t want us to say goodbye for now when there’s obviously something bothering you.”

Bernadetta looked down at her hands. Could she even say it though? There were probably still feelings for this other girl in him and what if her words put him in an awkward place? What if-

Sylvain gently rubbed her arm. “I can tell you’re overthinking things again. Really, you can tell me Bernie, I won’t get mad at you.”

“You say that but…”

“Really Bernie, there’s nothing you can say that could get me mad at you. Go on.”

She bit her lip. Sure fighting in the war and getting closer to Sylvain had made her more assertive than before but this, this was something else entirely. She would be ignoring his feelings on the matter just to tell him how she felt. How selfish could she be?

“Come on Bernie, please. I’m going to worry about you if you don’t tell me. And then I’ll have to follow you home and then stand outside your window, rain or shine until you tell me.”

Bernadetta couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “You don’t need to be that dramatic about it.”

“I do, for you Bernie.”

Bernadetta could feel her face burn slightly as he looked at her with those concerned eyes. It was so unfair. She glanced at his chest and then at her hands. “With the war and everything, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, about everything and also about us…”

Sylvain seemed to freeze in place and he was obviously making an effort to keep up the smile. “Oh? What about us?”

She wrung her hands in her lap. “I know, it’s something I shouldn’t say, especially with you suffering like you are and you still have hanahaki, even if it is dormant but maybe someday it can go away completely and I don’t mind waiting to be honest, I mean it’s not like anyone is lining up to be with Bernie anyway since I’m so quiet and non-sociable and…”

“Bernie.” Sylvain took her hand in his. “Breathe. What are you trying to say?”

“I like you. A lot.” She stared at the wooden floorboards, her face burning. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Or was he just thinking of a way to let her down gently? She really should have come up with another plausible lie instead of admitting it like this!

“You like me…” he repeated softly. “Well I like you too Bernie, you’re my best friend after all.”

She looked to him in surprise, and saw he had a dorky grin on his face. “Sylvain, I don’t mean like a friend.” Now that it was out there, she was desperate in having him know what she truly meant by it.

He tilted his head, the grin slipping slightly. “Then what do you mean?”

“Like…like a couple,” she whispered. “Like the characters in my stories.”

Silence.

After gathering her courage, she glanced at him and was surprised to see that he was looking at her wide-eyed, one hand over his chest. Right, his hanahaki.

She jumped to her feet and stared at the wall opposite of her. “S…sorry, it’s just you asked and I’m a terrible liar and I couldn’t think of anything else but the truth. I know I made it super awkward and you probably don’t want to talk to me anymore-”

She yelped as Sylvain grabbed her hand and pulled her to his chest in a tight hug, his face buried in her hair, his body seeming to shiver from the inside out. She tried to move but Sylvain’s grip was so tight that she couldn’t move away. His breathing was slightly wheezy and she was starting to worry his hanahaki was acting up again due to her confession.

She lifted her head and saw tears pouring down his face. Her eyes widen. “Is something wrong? Does it hurt anywhere? I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” She rested a hand on his chest, wondering if his hanahaki was growing bigger because of her confession.

“No, I’m grateful you told me.” He put his hand over hers and clutched her hand tightly like he was afraid she was going to vanish. “I didn’t think it was possible that you would like me.”

“Huh?” She stared at him in surprise. “What are you saying?” It wasn’t possible what she was thinking right? That was just her being conceited and full of herself.

“I also like you Bernie. Well I guess love would be the best choice in this situation to be honest.”

“You…” She looked at his chest and then at him. “But your hanahaki…”

Sylvain’s expression shifted to concern and he put a hand on either side of her cheeks and looked her in the eye. “It was never your fault Bernie. I never blamed you for it.”

Confusion filled her. What was he talking about? What wasn’t her fault? They were just talking about his hanahaki and she was just confused to how he could love her when he was obviously suffering from a disease born out of unrequited love.

Wait a minute.

“It was me, it was me the whole time,” she whispered in horror. She was the reason Sylvain suffered like he did. She was the cause of him throwing up flowers and getting weaker. Her best friend, the one she cared the most about, the one who was always there for her and went out of his way to talk to her, the reason why he struggled, it was all her fault!

“It wasn’t your fault,” Sylvain said firmly. He released her cheeks and hugged her again. “It is mine. If you have anyone to blame, blame me.”

“But if you hadn’t…if I said something sooner…” Bernadetta’s vision blurred as tears poured from her eyes. How many times ha she cursed this girl that caused Sylvain to suffer as he did? She was actually cursing herself.

“I should have said something sooner,” he said firmly. “I…I guess I was too scared to, too scared to have you reject me because it would prove what a screw up I am. And as time went on, I was scared for you.”

“For me?”

He pulled back and gently wiped her tears with a thumb. “I knew you would blame yourself for my hanahaki and I didn’t want that. You don’t have to blame yourself for my decisions. I was the one who chose to keep quiet about it. If anything, blame me, don’t blame yourself.”

“But…”

Sylvain shook his head. “I let myself hurt from the hanahaki, it was my choice. You had nothing to do it, let me own my own decision for keeping it from you as long as I have.” He leaned back and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “To be honest, I’ve been getting better because I was thinking of us like a couple.”

“What?”

“Whenever we would sleep together, I would pretend in my head that we were a couple and my doctor told me that because even a part of me was able to accept that idea, it reduced my hanahaki.”

“Oh,” she whispered.

“So, in the end you did help me but I really feel stupid for not saying anything earlier.” He gulped. “How long did you like me?”

“Oh, I’m not sure,” she stammered. “I only recently really figured it out so…” Her expression darkened. “If I realized it earlier though…”

“Don’t blame yourself,” he said firmly.

Bernadetta ducked her head. He might say that but it was so hard not to. “So what will happen to your hanahaki now?” She stared at his chest, wishing she could see what it looked on the inside. What did the flowers inside of him look like?

“I’m honestly not sure. My doctor did say that if the confession occurs and I accept it, the symptoms should subside to the point it will go away. Apparently it’s more a mental thing in that way.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Huh, my chest already feels lighter.”

“It heals that fast?” Her eyes widen although she wasn’t sure if she believed that.

“Don’t look at me like that, it really does feel lighter! Dang it, I should probably go see him then before I head home to get the details on it. Oh, we probably should make sure we see each other often, now we really do need to plan.”

Bernadetta blushed as Sylvain kissed the top of her head. “Was that too much?” he asked in concern.

“N…no, just surprising that’s all.”

“I promise I’ll take it slower then.” After a moment he hugged her tight again. “But really, thanks for liking someone like me Bernie.”

At first she wanted to protest that Sylvain had many traits that were great and she was the one who needed to thank him for liking her. She was still trying to process him being in love with her for so long! However, based on his words and how tight he was hugging her, instead she put her arms around him and hugged him back. She could still hear his chest rattling slightly with each inhale but like he said, it didn’t sound as bad as before.

Perhaps he was on the road to recovery and Bernadetta was going to be by his side every step of the way.


End file.
